Time to kill this blog

Yes its that time again. Bury the past. What in the fuck was I thinking? I mean holy shit. I look back on the recent posts I have made concerning a girl - whom probably didn't care about me one fraction of how I cared about her. And just wow.

Anyway I am probably going to move over to WP Well yes Probably. I need a new start. Had an epiphany tonight and can't wait to blog about it. Downloading the app as I speak.


See you on the other side. Symbolically killing this blog kills the past buried within.

Its been real


Jury Duty

Today I was called in for Jury selection. I have never been on a jury, once I was called in to go to Middlesex County court in Massachusetts in Cambridge. But - at that point, when the trial was to take place I had already moved to Tennessee.

So today I show up at 9 AM. and join roughly 60-70 others in a waiting area outside the courtroom. Then we all file in. The judge is typical southern, and old-timey. He starts talking about "this country" and "your duty" and quoting the Constitution. But then he started quoting the Declaration of independence and then he started talking about God. And about the Pledge of allegiance and how it was one nation "under God". I was biting my lip seriously.

After all the God talk he starts calling people's names up, 12 at a time. Then he asks them all at the same time, if they can serve. Most say yes, but every once in a while one or two give a reason. Either they have a medical condition, or they have a demanding job. He then proceeds to guilt them into serving. Only a few -probably about 2% actually were dismissed because of legitimate reasons. Me myself, well My work is paying me for it, and I had no problem with it, so.

I just disliked the whole God/Christianity thing he was preaching. I knew the conversation would go south when he proclaimed that "America is the greatest country ever".

Anyway I am on it (jury duty) and that was the process.

Quick thoughts

I can report that I am feeling better - like 100 % better. I came to the realization that the harder you look for something the more you aren't going to find it. I need to just enjoy life and quit being so depressed that something is not going to happen. I mean, yes my ex wife is out right now with some dude. She is getting "dates" so much easier than me. And I am having a hard time of it.

But as frustrated as I am, I just have to trudge forward, and see what life can throw at me. I mean, the delusion of Love can really cloud your mind. And also - to the free-thinker like myself (i.e. non-theist) I have an analytical mind, and I think too much about things. I came to realize yesterday, that I should just shut off my brain for a bit and go with the flow. Yes meeting people is difficult. It sucks, and when you do meet someone you like - they're never on the same page as you :(

But alas, I will move forward now, without a clouded mind, blinded by love, or whatever I think is love.

So here's to the future.



Normal Thoughts Return

Well it's been two days and I am still in a bit of emotional pain, but the pain is lessened. I am going to try and go for a streak. I didn't cry at all today. Let's see if I can keep that streak alive. I actually laughed while listening to the Adam Carolla show this morning. There was a Black Ford focus and a cream colored Chrysler 300 that were parked on the shoulder of I-440 at Nolensville Rd. A stereotypical "hillbilly" complete with a snowy white 12 inch beard and overalls comes out of the Focus and a 40-something guy comes out of the 300 and they start arguing and pointing at each other. It was some kind of road rage incident. An older (60-65 year old) TDOT guy comes out on site (we're across the interstate) and he points this out to me -a scene I would have otherwise ignored. He says, in his southern old-timey drawl "look at them they're fixin to start swinging" I thought they were going to get in a fight. His southern charm and humor rubbed off on me and I laughed - a real laugh.

I was able to concentrate on my work today, whereas I was not able to yesterday. I started feeling a little better. Yesterday I was a lot worse. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Everything I did reminded me of her (S).

  • Driving down Nolensville, I passed by the zoo. We were previously making plans to go to the zoo. 
  • I saw a Radnor Lake license plate and could see the Radnor Lake hills from I-440 as I was driving west to West End. We had previously planned on going to Radnor Lake together. 
  • My ex wife complained to me that "Netflix sucks" because they didn't have certain movies that she liked (Twilight and Bridesmaids) -Me and S watched bridesmaids at her house on Saturday. 
  • My ex wife asked me to bring her sushi, and me and S went out to Samurai on Elliston on Friday.  

:( Nothing I could do would let me forget her.

When I get dealt crushing emotional blows like this, like on Sunday, when S sent me the Dear John letter via Facebook messages, I start reaching out to my friends. And my friends were there to catch me. Via FaceTime, Google Hangouts, Skype, phone calls, Facebook posts, and text messages. I would be in a very different place right now had they not been there to break my fall and offer their hands to help me up.

The ex wife (She's a part of the support group as crazy as that sounds) gives me an idea. She says "Hey lets argue about something - that'll take your mind off her." -She was right.

I finally ate my first bite of food last night since S and me were out on Saturday at Cabanna. I finally slept last night, whereas on Sunday night I didn't sleep at all.

Music helps. Just not music that we shared. Like special songs with meaning.

I've been here before. I know the way back up the mountain. I will make that climb.


The bottom

The bottom can mean so many different things at any time. I have a steady job, a personal vehicle, I live in a single family house full time with my daughter  - who loves me. So I can't fairly say I have hit "the bottom" but if you were to say -strictly on an emotional scale -there is a bottom and I have seen it. I saw it last February when the beginning of the end was for my marriage. I crawled around the bottom like a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas. I have been crawling there since the divorce last year. My friends have truly elevated me - in these times. Last May,  I was dealt a severe blow and it was hard to recover from that, but I did.

Smash cut to the last two weeks. I am on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down. This weekend was the best weekend I have had in a very long time. Emotionally speaking, it was the top of Mt. Everest. I was with a very special person to me. We have shared everything.  She was the best thing thats happened to me since the divorce. I will just leave it at that because the details would be too much.

Then to go from that place to the bottom of the sea in such a short time span. It really hurts. I am confused and upset. REALLY upset. I know I have good things in my life now - my daughter, my stable employment, and my friends. But all I want to do now is crawl in to a ball and shut down.

I can't really type now, I just wanted to get something out there quick to record my thoughts currently.

Feeling just awful.



Its been a while since I have written anything on here, but I felt compelled to write something that I felt deserved its own place besides Facebook or twitter. I will just get into the meat of the issue immediately:

This afternoon I went to the grocery store. Or rather, I went to a store that sells groceries among other things. This store is featured on a popular website whereby everyday people take photos with their cell phones in order to ridicule and or belittle them publicly. There seems to be a lot of unsavory people going to this local business. I found out first hand just the flavor of unsavoriness.
I stopped for an iced coffee on the way and felt like enjoying the remaining 35% of it out in my parked vehicle with the windows down as it was a splendid 80 degrees and sunny out. As I was finishing the coffee, scrolling down the news feed in my Facebook on my iPhone, I heard the faint cries of a little two year old child. Then I heard the scary aggressive authoritative barking of an overweight man in his 40's threatening "I'm gonna give you something to cry about in a minute!". Now hearing this, immediately took me back to my childhood, the 1980's. I was the recipient of many spankings. Justice was swift and immediate.
So when I heard this phrase -exact in word-for-word as I had myself heard it as a young seven year old. I didn't pay it much mind. I could see the fat bastard of a dad (let's call him Chuck from here on) in my rear view mirror with a young toddler I assumed to be about two years old in his firm grip. The child's arm was being stretched into the air because the hulking massive 6' 3" father was too lazy to either pick up the kid or hunch down to hold his hand like a loving father should. No instead he had his fat, greasy man-hands wrapped around the poor kids forearm like he was holding a piece of luggage or something. It was only then, that I took notice. My car windows were down and the nature of my car, I was probably hidden from view from his perspective.
He was driving a black pickup truck that was parked next to me. And he had finally gotten the kid to the driver's side of the truck so he still hadn't seen me probably. I then hear him and creep my head around to witness him beating the living shit out of the kid. and the kid's screams amplified and resonated through probably the whole parking lot of the place. After this this fat bastard didn't stop. I almost felt like getting out of my car and telling this useless skinbag to pick on someone his own size. But I didn't. I let out an audible cough and a shake of my iced coffee cup with a bit of ice and a small amount of coffee in it. He immediately stopped. The guy's apparent wife was by this point hastily loading the groceries in the bed of the pickup, because she had made eye contact with me in my side mirror as she was loading the groceries on the truck's passenger side.
Her body language said it all. She was scared and cowering. Submissive and subservient. Chuck at this point buckles the kid in and gets in the truck and starts the engine while his apparent wife is still loading the groceries. He belches out a "Hurry the fuck up Renee!" and she replies "I'm trying honey." half of the groceries loaded she loads the rest with almost super human speed. Not two nanoseconds later Chuck throws the truck in reverse and starts backing out, leaving Renee to go and return the shopping cart to the corral in the parking lot, while Chuck was on the move to go pick her up. It was apparent this asshole wanted out and wanted out quick. Maybe because he finally realized I was in the car next to him with all the windows down, and witnessed his ass-hattery. Either way I felt helpless.
He obviously was one of those traditional obvious Christian southern men who think women should do everything. By not even helping with the unloading of the groceries, he probably expects her to do everything for him. I know I am making huge assumptions here and huge generalizations, but it was all in her body language.
A scary thought came over me as I was in the store getting my groceries. If this asshole acts like this in public, what the fuck is he doing in the privacy of his own home?! I really felt bad for that family. And worst of all, I felt Helpless. Helpless to do anything. He would have been long gone before any cops could come on scene and if the cops did come on the scene, they would have needed proof of wrongdoing, which -what I witnessed was a huge grey area. I could place an anonymous tip to DCS but then again, they need proof to take action. Its a lose-lose. Lose for the government agencies designed to protect victims of domestic abuse, and a lose for the victims themselves.
And this kind of stuff happens every single day. Worse things happen all the time.
I felt like complete and utter shit for the first few minutes of my shopping experience. And ultimately I felt helpless.


Check out 1. Erä

1. Erä

This album kicks.

Cover Art

1. Erä

Giant Räbät

Hip Hop/Rap

Released: 2008

iTunes for Mac and Windows
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CIA : Operation Ajax

CIA : Operation Ajax

Highly highly recommended. If you ever wondered why the terrorists hate us, this app (graphic novel) teaches about the history of how the US & Britain conspired to overthrow the government in Iran in 1953. 

Check out this application on the App Store:

Cover Art

CIA : Operation Ajax

Cognito Comics

Category: Books

Updated: Nov 07, 2011

104 Ratings

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Copyright © 2011 Apple Inc. All rights reserved

Sent from my iPad