Quick thoughts

I can report that I am feeling better - like 100 % better. I came to the realization that the harder you look for something the more you aren't going to find it. I need to just enjoy life and quit being so depressed that something is not going to happen. I mean, yes my ex wife is out right now with some dude. She is getting "dates" so much easier than me. And I am having a hard time of it.

But as frustrated as I am, I just have to trudge forward, and see what life can throw at me. I mean, the delusion of Love can really cloud your mind. And also - to the free-thinker like myself (i.e. non-theist) I have an analytical mind, and I think too much about things. I came to realize yesterday, that I should just shut off my brain for a bit and go with the flow. Yes meeting people is difficult. It sucks, and when you do meet someone you like - they're never on the same page as you :(

But alas, I will move forward now, without a clouded mind, blinded by love, or whatever I think is love.

So here's to the future.

Cheers

Normal Thoughts Return

Well it's been two days and I am still in a bit of emotional pain, but the pain is lessened. I am going to try and go for a streak. I didn't cry at all today. Let's see if I can keep that streak alive. I actually laughed while listening to the Adam Carolla show this morning. There was a Black Ford focus and a cream colored Chrysler 300 that were parked on the shoulder of I-440 at Nolensville Rd. A stereotypical "hillbilly" complete with a snowy white 12 inch beard and overalls comes out of the Focus and a 40-something guy comes out of the 300 and they start arguing and pointing at each other. It was some kind of road rage incident. An older (60-65 year old) TDOT guy comes out on site (we're across the interstate) and he points this out to me -a scene I would have otherwise ignored. He says, in his southern old-timey drawl "look at them they're fixin to start swinging" I thought they were going to get in a fight. His southern charm and humor rubbed off on me and I laughed - a real laugh.

I was able to concentrate on my work today, whereas I was not able to yesterday. I started feeling a little better. Yesterday I was a lot worse. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Everything I did reminded me of her (S).

• Driving down Nolensville, I passed by the zoo. We were previously making plans to go to the zoo. 
• I saw a Radnor Lake license plate and could see the Radnor Lake hills from I-440 as I was driving west to West End. We had previously planned on going to Radnor Lake together. 
• My ex wife complained to me that "Netflix sucks" because they didn't have certain movies that she liked (Twilight and Bridesmaids) -Me and S watched bridesmaids at her house on Saturday. 
• My ex wife asked me to bring her sushi, and me and S went out to Samurai on Elliston on Friday.  

:( Nothing I could do would let me forget her.

When I get dealt crushing emotional blows like this, like on Sunday, when S sent me the Dear John letter via Facebook messages, I start reaching out to my friends. And my friends were there to catch me. Via FaceTime, Google Hangouts, Skype, phone calls, Facebook posts, and text messages. I would be in a very different place right now had they not been there to break my fall and offer their hands to help me up.

The ex wife (She's a part of the support group as crazy as that sounds) gives me an idea. She says "Hey lets argue about something - that'll take your mind off her." -She was right.

I finally ate my first bite of food last night since S and me were out on Saturday at Cabanna. I finally slept last night, whereas on Sunday night I didn't sleep at all.

Music helps. Just not music that we shared. Like special songs with meaning.

I've been here before. I know the way back up the mountain. I will make that climb.

The bottom

The bottom can mean so many different things at any time. I have a steady job, a personal vehicle, I live in a single family house full time with my daughter  - who loves me. So I can't fairly say I have hit "the bottom" but if you were to say -strictly on an emotional scale -there is a bottom and I have seen it. I saw it last February when the beginning of the end was for my marriage. I crawled around the bottom like a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas. I have been crawling there since the divorce last year. My friends have truly elevated me - in these times. Last May,  I was dealt a severe blow and it was hard to recover from that, but I did.

Smash cut to the last two weeks. I am on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down. This weekend was the best weekend I have had in a very long time. Emotionally speaking, it was the top of Mt. Everest. I was with a very special person to me. We have shared everything.  She was the best thing thats happened to me since the divorce. I will just leave it at that because the details would be too much.

Then to go from that place to the bottom of the sea in such a short time span. It really hurts. I am confused and upset. REALLY upset. I know I have good things in my life now - my daughter, my stable employment, and my friends. But all I want to do now is crawl in to a ball and shut down.

I can't really type now, I just wanted to get something out there quick to record my thoughts currently.

Feeling just awful.